I received an email from my ex-roommate’s ex-boyfriend today, alerting me to the fact that said ex-roommate had just moved in with my ex-boyfriend. My only contact with any of these people for the past several years has been when my ex occasionally writes to me wanting to “get together”. While I find the whole thing amazingly random and weird, I would generally prefer not to think about it. (Put it this way: when I lived with this chick, our bedrooms were separated by only a few feet. I have heard the sounds she makes during intimate moments. As for the ex, I dated him for a year. One could say that I have a horrifying surplus of data about this union.)
However, I was sufficiently intrigued by this turn of events to google the ex-roommate and see if she was up to any other madness. One of the only results for her name was an article published a few years ago in the local disreputable newspaper about messy roommates. In the article she describes me as “passive-aggressively” leaving dishes in the sink and letting my cat shit in the tub, an incident after which she “shook me awake”. I was never that messy a roommate, but I was a teenager when we lived together and I was definitely less concerned with utter cleanliness back then. So we’d get into arguments about it, but people who share apartments always fight about that shit, so it’s hardly newsworthy. (Oh wait–it is!) Anyway, one day Petra took a dump in the bathtub and I didn’t notice it right away, and instead of telling me (see also: bedrooms mere feet apart), she sent an angry missive to my work email telling me what a dick I was. (Clearly, I was the more passive-aggressive roommate.) There was no shaking awake or anything like that, but what kind of journalistic integrity can you really expect from the Globe, or from people who write stories about several-year-old cat shit for the Globe?
Anyway, it’s true that when she and I lived together, I was sometimes slow to take out the trash. I just never expected that she’d wind up digging through my garbage can and taking the leftovers!
Good luck, kids.