movie review: casino royale

I never really had an interest in the James Bond franchise, probably due to some combination of my disdain for gunfights/action scenes, my complete apathy for exotic cars, and my lack of attraction to the leading men. The earlier Bonds were halfway decent, I guess, but Pierce Brosnan? Not only could I kick that guy’s ass myself, but I would have no problem resisting his fancy sexual advances. So, for me, the character never quite came alive.

This new guy, however, this Daniel Craig? Yeah. He’s hot. He’s rough, he’s tough, he looks like he could legitimately bust out some Spiderman-rappelling moves on scaffolding, run through a wall, and attempt to administer an electric shock to his own heart. He made the movie thoroughly entertaining, and lent it an aura of not-totally-cheesyness that the other Bond movies lacked…and this is a movie where a scene of dialogue between two people is followed by a random jump cut to a bikini-clad woman riding a horse in slow motion. This is a movie with a Romantic Montage that involves actual gondolas. It’s pretty damned cheesy. But you find yourself not caring, because the blood that should be circulating around in your brain instead flows towards your pants, and you give in to the ridiculousness of it all. That’s good casting, people.

I was also impressed by the inclusion of a naked genital torture scene (an homage to Bob Flanagan?), which was both grisly and funny, again thanks to the talents of Daniel Craig. The scene added that little je ne sais quoi and confirmed, yet again, why Craig is a better Bond than Brosnan. I would be surprised if Brosnan even had genitals to torture, seeing as he looks exactly like a Ken doll. So lame.

Anyway, now that Craig is firmly established in his role as the new Bond, I think it’s high time we usher in the era of the 5’4″, tattooed, Jewish Bond girl, who would naturally be played by me. My name could be Esther Goldclit or something like that, and I’d make all sorts of hilarious innuendos about matzoh balls and say “But Mr. Bond, that doesn’t look kosher to me!” during the inevitable love scene. Then I’d be tragically killed by an exploding mezuzah. It would be incredible.

Official score: Awesome, and new recipient of the award for Best Random Sado-Masochistic Act Performed by a Dude with a Bleeding Eyeball.

2 thoughts on “movie review: casino royale

  1. Everytime I think about bleedin’ eyes torture tactic I lose a lil’ bit of my soul! We talked about Bond last night, but, I wanted to reiterate that this is definitely a Bond for our generation. I dig the rugged/raw nature of the early Bond portrayed here. Lookin’ forward to more. ALSO Sebastian Foucan as the nimble fleein’ terrorist rockin’ the free-running at the beginning of the film, TIGHT. Big fan. I’ll holla.

  2. It was good to get an aficionado’s perspective to confirm what I suspected–and you’re so right about that initial chase sequence. So sweet.

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